


Label-less

by Popples123



Category: Fall Out Boy, My Chemical Romance
Genre: Angst, Aromantic, Fluff, Fluff and Angst, Long-Distance Friendship, Long-Distance Relationship, M/M, Pete Wentz Is Sad, commitment issues, pete is also british, petekey, this is just me venting
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-06-01
Updated: 2016-06-01
Packaged: 2018-07-11 13:39:57
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,930
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7054048
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Popples123/pseuds/Popples123
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>There's sympathy for the heartbroken but no sympathy for the heartbreakers.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Label-less

**Author's Note:**

> Dedicated to Grace. We aren't just friends but we aren't dating, we're just in love.  
> -  
> Warning: this is really sad tbh it just hit me like a train how messed up I am. Don't expect this to make a lot of sense.  
> (There's loads of references to the song It's Hard To Say "I Do" When I Don't and there's also one referencing to I've Got A Dark Alley And A Bad Idea That Says You Should Shut Your Mouth so just in case u read this and are like "hey wtf this is from a fob song" it's intentional).

Mikey,

We're miles apart and you're asleep. Timezones are working out in my favour tonight. I hope to God you don't wake up right now because I need to tell you something. Ironic how I'm writing this with the intentions of you reading it but sending it at a time where you're not online so you can't read it. I guess that's what fear does to a guy. I hope you wake up tomorrow. I'm scared you won't after I read what you sent me, a message talking about you trying to die.

Last week I told you that I hate being in love with you because the concept of commitment makes me sick to the stomach, which is surprising because in this day in age, it's unheard of to be in love and not want to date the person. Nine days ago you thought I didn't love you because of what I said. I'm just scared. That's my excuse for everything these days but I want to be honest to you, even if it means repeating myself over and over and over and over until I've got my point across.

Something I never seem to manage to make clear is _why_ I love you. I can say those three words no problem but diving deeper into the meaning behind them is where conflict arises because I don't want to lead you on and break your heart. Again.

I don't know how to feel about that one. Bringing this up will turn people against me because nobody seems to care about how much it hurt me to hurt you. There's sympathy for the heartbroken but no sympathy for the heartbreakers. Not all of us are cold and heartless. I am only trying to do what's best for you and what's best for my mental health. I'm not worthy of sympathy but I'm worthy of a chance to explain myself. So here I go.

This time I'm not repeating myself. Read every word I say carefully. I don't want you getting the wrong idea here. Please, just listen to me. You're the only person who's still alive that ever has. Don't fire excuses as to why you can't, okay? I'm the only one who's gonna get away with making excuses today. Listen to me.

When I say I can't commit, I mean it. I've never been very good at sticking with the one thing. Aspirations, jobs, hobbies, humans. I'm not a settle-down kind of guy. Commitment in my eyes is tying yourself down in the one place for the rest of your life and that's not for me. You know what I imagine when someone says the word "commitment"? I see a broken boy like me swimming with anchors chained to his ankles, desperately hoping that he can hold his breath long enough to survive this. Lets not forget storms and marine predators and struggling for air. Brutal. That's what it is.

It feels like I'm drowning if I'm committed to something for too long, no matter what it is. I lasted two days in a relationship with you until I had locked myself in the bathroom throwing up in between sobs. Then I called it off and you were a mess. I didn't sleep for three days after that. You didn't deserve the broken heart. I did. I broke the prettiest boy in America and he still loves me to this day. I don't understand that. You are the only thing I don't deserve.

I'm not getting my message across. This has turned to me. This isn't about me. It's about you.

I love you.

No, that's not cutting it,

I'm _in_ love with you.

Better.

And this is where people start to wonder why I refuse to form a proper relationship with you - to put a label on this bond we have - because if I'm in love with you, why can't I be with you?

If I love the way your eyes shine in the sun, why am I scared to hold contact with them for too long? If I love the way your lips look when you're smiling, why am I scared to kiss them? If I love how irresistibly gorgeous you are, why am I scared to hug you? If I love your hands, why am I scared to hold them? If I love your personality, why am I scared to show that I do?

If I love you, why am I scared to be with you?

What they don't get is the problem lies within the fact that you're appealing to emotions that I simply do not have. I destroy everything I come into contact with and I'm certain that you're not going to be an exception. It's like heaven and hell colliding. Demon defeats angel. I want to be with you properly but what if I continuously mess up until you snap and suddenly your wings are broken, your eyes are black, and you're just as numb as I am? I don't want that for you.

Has anyone ever told you that being around a negative person for an extended period of time can have an impact on your outlook on the world? Why do you stay around me? You're an angel and you deserve all the stars in the sky. There are galaxies in your eyes and a wasteland in mine. I don't know what you see in them but I fear that one day yours will turn out like mine and it'll be my fault.

I'm not capable of a stereotypical relationship. I don't have the mental stability or the confidence to do so _._ Falling in love with commitment issues is simultaneously the best and worst feeling in the entire world. It's wanting to commit to you because you're the only person that's seen all my bad characteristics and still loves me but every time I try to commit, I end up on the bathroom floor shaking and throwing up until I call it off and break your heart (again). It's typing out long paragraphs about you and then deleting them at the last second because I feel like I'm leading you on. It's being unhealthily excited to meet you so I can kiss you, cuddle you, and talk to you at night, but it's also being terribly paranoid that you'll expect more from me and I can't give you that for no other reason than because I'm scared. It's the constant worry that you'll find someone better but also the constant anger that you're staying with me when I know you deserve more. It's hearing "I love you" and feeling my tummy getting butterflies and churning with fear at the same time. It's listening to you talk about me as if I'm your world but I know deep down that I'll soon fuck up and change your entire perception of me. It's seeing photos of you and falling in love all over again only to have it immediately washed away by the panic that I'll never be able to do anything about that. It's telling you about all the fun things I want to do with you but worrying that you'll expect more because people always, always, _always_ want more. It's having to sit and listen to my mother tell me that "Pete, one day you'll DATE a girl, you'll GET ENGAGED to a girl, you'll MARRY a girl, you'll SPEND THE REST OF YOUR LIFE with a girl" and she doesn't get that I like a boy, which just further adds to the whole "I'm not normal" thing, but I can't do anything because I can't fucking commit. The whole idea of commitment makes me want to tear my skin apart. It's hearing people say that I'm not normal; say that I must have been in a previous abusive relationship, that I must have grown up around problematic relationships, that _something_ bad must have happened because in this society it's never acceptable to not find relationships appealing. It's thinking that I'm broken in every fucking way possible because I hear people around me talk about how its acceptable to not want sex but it's unacceptable to not want a relationship with someone you're in love with. And having my parents ask me day after day if I'm  _dating_ someone makes me want to throw up. It's knowing that you deserve better but living with the fact that you've chosen me over people that can properly love you. It's hard to live with that when my inability to commit to a relationship is going to break the heart of a boy who see the fucking world in me.

I'm not supposed to fall in love. Nothing good lasts for me. That's my fault too. I blackmail myself because I haven't got anyone else. I convince myself that if I don't do something, a terrible thing will happen to a person that I love dearly. Half of the time, I don't get the thing done, and I don't know if it's coincidence or not but this year alone, so much tragedy has unfolded because I jinxed it.

And I'm scared that if I get too close, I'll only destroy you further. I told myself earlier today that if I forgot to Skype you, something terrible would happen. I forgot, and less than five hours later you text me saying you've tried to die. How am I supposed to handle that? It's only natural that I'm blaming myself. After all, I blackmailed myself and it backfired, just like it always does.

I hope I get to hear your voice tomorrow.

And the next day.

And the next.

And so on.

Last year I wished for _a_ reason to be depressed so I could stop feeling guilty. This year, I have _tons_ of reasons and the guilt still hasn't subsided. I should never have been sad around you. You can't cure me but you gave me motivation to breathe and the fact that you want to stop breathing hurts more than thinking I caused this does.

I don't think you see how much purpose you have on this earth.

You've helped people, love. Have you forgotten about all those people on the internet that have/had smiles on their faces because of you? What about your friends that mistreated you yet you still see good in them, even when I've spent days trying to convince you otherwise? You see the good in everyone. A guy could slaughter an entire orphanage and you'd still be convinced that he has a soft spot somewhere in his stone cold heart. I aspire to be like you, you know? To see the brightness in this barren wasteland of a planet we call home. You've been through so much shit from family problems to illnesses to dealing with your mental health and still - _still_ \- you see the light at the end of the tunnel. I don't understand how you're that strong.

And you _get_ me. I don't even get myself at times. Do you have any idea how exhilarating yet confusing it was to me when I completely broke down with you for the first time, and you somehow understood what I meant when I told you "I want to be known for my hits not just my misses"? I've told so many people that and every one of them told me to calm down and grow up. You? You sat for hours listening to me ranting about that sentence, and you were there and you _understood_. I don't feel lonely anymore. If I have a problem I know I can go to you. Even with the whole commitment thing - most people would have lied about it to avoid ruining the friendship/relationship. Me? I'd rather destroy every fragment of our seemingly unbreakable bond if it meant being real instead of lying and leading you on. It'd be utter hell but at least it'd be the right thing to do. Brutal honesty is so much better than anything else. The guilt of lying would've wrecked me more than telling the truth, but I didn't even have to panic because you understood me. You always do. I hope you understand this letter.

And you're beautiful, too. You never believe me when I tell you this. I don't think you get it. Right down to your fucking core, you're full of everything good in the world. You're warm and safe and soft. I need that right now. I think I'll always need that - need you. That's inevitable.

And I'll take your bipolar disorder and your bad days and your illness, just like you took my depression and my inability to be romantic and my problematic attitude towards relationships.

You know, now and again I think it might not be so bad. Now and again I think "his and her's" "for better or for worse" and all that bullshit. It sounds nice, honestly. The idea of settling down with someone doesn't seem half as bad when that someone is you, but then I remember the last time we tried committing and how awful that turned out for both of us, and I think that if I were to go back to that, it'd end much more terribly. I think I once told you that I wouldn't mind trying again, but when I said that I'd return to you I meant more like a relapse because commitment is so, so fucking toxic for me and attempting to do it again would most likely send me into a panic attack that'd no doubt end with blood all over the bathroom floor. It's too risky. I hope you understand. This sounds so harsh but you know that I've never been the type of person to sugar coat things. Truthfully, the only ring I want buried with me are the ones around my eyes. The ones caused from lack of sleep over the paranoia of _maybe_ breaking your heart instead of the one around my finger that'd result in me _definitely_ breaking your heart.

I can't commit. I can't fucking do this, and I can't write this stupid letter that makes no sense. If it weren't for me promising that I'd finish this, I would've scrapped this by the fifth paragraph. This is the only time where I've never been able to organise my thoughts into words and I don't know how to handle that.

I just hope you know that when I say that I can't commit to you, doesn't mean I'll ever stop loving you. Nobody in the right mind would ever stop loving you. You are the most important person in my life and you saved my life more times than I can count. If it weren't for you, I would've been dead by May last year. You're so important and you deserve to know that. You have meaning, you have purpose, you have hope. The one thing about you that I'll never ever ever ever get tired of is that you always have hope, even in the worst of situations. We all know by now that I'm so pessimistic it's unhealthy, but being around you is making me have hope again. I'm even hopeful for the future and that's thanks to you. Remember when I told you I'd be dead before eighteen? I'm starting to see life past that number and it's because of you. You've saved _lives_ , for fucks sake. That's why I want to jump through the computer screen and slap you as hard as I can whenever you talk bad about yourself because there is _no_ reason for you to hate yourself. None. Looks don't define you and even if they did, you'd get an A for adorable. Personality is what defines you most and even if you think it doesn't, I hope you know that your light in your heart stands out more than the light in your eyes ever has, and I fell in love with your eyes, so that goes to show how good of a person you are if your personality can bypass your eyes.

I just remembered the time a relative's friend once told me, "Keep light in your head and keep light in your heart. That way, you'll always feel warm and you'll always feel young, no matter how many decades have passed. Find your light and once you do, keep a good hold of it, because that's going to be your reason for living."

You're my light.

And no matter what happens between us, I'm not going to stop loving you.

We don't need to put a label on it. Friends stop me in the corridors and ask me what you and I are to one another, and I don't know how to respond because how do you simply tell someone that we aren't just friends, but we aren't dating? "We're just in love," I say, but in today's society, love equals dating. That's how it's always been. That's normal, but come to think of it, I never have been what people consider normal.

Maybe that's okay, though. We don't have to put a label on ourselves. The only people that can stop us from being in love are ourselves and as long as you don't want that to end, we can keep it going. I'm cool with that. Things might change in the future because you never know what's going to happen, but that shouldn't stop us from enjoying the time that we have now.

And when we meet in twenty-six days, I'm going to hug you and write for you and hold you at night when you're sad and everything that has happened in the past year will be worth it because it's led up to that night, where we can be alone with food and movies and each other and we can be happy.

It's okay for us to be label-less. I don't know what we are to one another but I don't think it matters. We're comfortable with what we have and society isn't going to change that.

I don't think I'll ever learn to commit. Despite how I feel about you, it's too dangerous for me. Anything could happen and I don't see the point in stepping out of my comfort zone if it's only going to ruin us. I don't want you to get the wrong idea from this. I don't want to lead you on. I don't want to make you sad. Don't get the wrong idea. All I want to do is get my feelings down on paper because that's the only I'm capable of doing while I'm waiting to find out if you're okay. It's been five hours and I'm tired. What am I doing, Mikey? This feels hopeless. I don't know what you see in me but oh my God I'm glad you see something. I don't want to know where I'd be without you. I'm just some sick in the head kid with fucked up commitment issues who's head over heels in love with a boy that deserves the world and thinks they're making a difference by staying up all night writing to said boy. Everything's so messy and I want to sleep for a year. I'm so scared for tomorrow. Not because I'm worried about how you'll react to this but because I'm worried there'll be no reaction at all.

I was wrong earlier. Timezones aren't working out in my favour.

You're there and I'm here and as of now, physical contact is nothing more than a bittersweet dream for me to torture myself with. Isn't it funny how I feel more connected to a boy halfway across the world than I do to anyone in my own country? I feel alone here. Everyone is so distant and gloomy and unplugged from reality. Maybe it's just the British weather, or maybe it's just me constantly seeing the darkness in a world where you see light. I think my mum was right when she said opposites attract.

And I'm sorry that I can't be anything more to you. I hope this gives more insight as to why I'm scared but at the end of the day, no matter how much being in love breaks me, I think I'm always going to want it. Now that I think about it, you could rip my heart out of chest, set it on fire, shove it back in and watch me go up in flames, and even that wouldn't stop me from loving you. You can't let go of someone who changed your entire life in the space of a year. That's impossible and you told me last night that you wanted me to move on but I won't, because you can't just forget a person that saved your life.

That's the thing about love. You're placing your entire trust in one person who has the choice to do two things with you; fix you, or tear you apart beyond repair. It's like you're handing them a loaded gun because you believe that they won't shoot you, but that possibility is always there. It could be accidental. Maybe their hand slips, or they lose focus for a few seconds. Or perhaps it's intentional because they're tired of you being so paranoid around them. I don't understand why you'd want to commit to someone. Love is toxic. Commitment is basically giving the person every opportunity to hurt you. It's so fucked. It's like everyone shakes to the beat with a barrel down their throat, except the beat is love and the barrel is the person's choice to love you or leave you. You're just waiting for someone to pull the trigger. And it doesn't matter what they tell you, or what they say. They'll shoot you one day. It's just a matter of time. I told myself, don't fucking fall in love. "His or her's for better or worse" is absolute bullshit. Nothing last a lifetime, not even love. But you, Mikey, are making me think otherwise. It's the worst thing that could ever happen to you, but it's the best thing that's ever happened to me. Worst for you, because you fell in love with me. Best for me, because I fell in love with you. And I think endless bullets into my body are worth it if you inflict them because even if you destroy me right down to the core, I will still believe in love. Anyone would if they were given the chance to meet you.

You're so fucking important and I promised you I'd finish this for yesterday but now it's today. Deadlines don't matter, though. Either way, I still need you to read this. It probably doesn't seem like it because I've stayed up all night and I'm not in the best of mental states which means my writing is off, but I've poured my heart and soul into this for you and I just need you to read this. Please please please please tell me you made it this far. You don't even have to understand. Just read it and tell me that you did and that'll be enough. I love you - I'm _in love_ with you - and I need you but you can't be here and I can't be there, so this is my way of telling you that you matter. Always have, always will. Commitment and distance and the world's twisted ways of keeping us apart is never going to stop me from loving you.

 Love, Pete.

**Author's Note:**

> Well there's one way to vent.  
> Yeah if you haven't guessed by now, this is actually for Grace. I just made it petekey because I realised that this is a fanfiction website, not a Megan-Has-A-Breakdown-And-Writes-Depressing-Bullshit-As-An-Alternative-To-Dying website.  
> Feedback is appreciated as always and I'm sorry if this didn't make any sense, I was up all night when I wrote this


End file.
